The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
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Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.