You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
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Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.