#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
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Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Netflix and you sit over there.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys