“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
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Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Important reminders
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Mornin
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”