I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
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It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Perfect
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”