The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
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My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
The fall of Netflix
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.