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Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
never forget
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0