Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
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Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Owl Sanctuary
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
i want to work in this restaurant
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.