[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
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me after eating Cheetos
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”