Me irl
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Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
ibopfufen
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.