DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
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OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”