There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
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My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.