VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
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Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…