Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
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Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Cat is stressing him out.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
When you’re Kinky but poor
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.