wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
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[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Rather alarming headline…
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.