My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
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MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
I’ve been learning to cook.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”