Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
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[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.