*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
You Might Also Like
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.