I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
getting old is fun
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray