[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
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Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
how to have an accident 101
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.