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Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I don’t think my car can fly
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.