To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
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Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun