them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
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Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
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A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning