if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
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Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for