*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
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Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I hope Alan is OK
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
My neck, my back, my…
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer