a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
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ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Poetry is my passion
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?