Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
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Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…