He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
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Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !