you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
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My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
No, YOUR illiterate.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler