The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
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DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Chicago sounds lovely.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.