Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
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Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”