*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
You Might Also Like
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!