“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
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Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.