I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
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Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
can’t catch a break
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.