the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
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Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
My time has come.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.