Every. Damn. Time.
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Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries