Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
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I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”