You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
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[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.