A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
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Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach