Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
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Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*