Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
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[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
never compromise your values
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot