Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
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My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
They’re on their honeymoon
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.