He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
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officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever