Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
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You sure about that?
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store