“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
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Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact