I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
You Might Also Like
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I saw nothing
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
oh no, steve’s working tonight