My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
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Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Perfect
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody