My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
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LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO