every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
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Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.