Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
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Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.